


Restless Heart Syndrome

by occultclysms



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anti depressants, Coffee Shops, College, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:54:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26024548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/occultclysms/pseuds/occultclysms
Summary: “I just don’t think it would be a good idea for you to start dating someone like me.” Jeno sighs, looking dejected.“Can we still be friends though?” Donghyuck asks and Jeno’s ears perk up a little bit.“I don’t see why not,” Jeno mumbles and a little surge of happiness runs through Donghyuck.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno
Comments: 4
Kudos: 49
Collections: NOHYUCK FEST: 정답!





	Restless Heart Syndrome

**Author's Note:**

> tws for self harm, mental illness and anti-depressants. if any of those things upset or trigger you go read something else please. put yourself first.
> 
> i'm not going to say this is 100% accurate to real life because it's different for everyone, but it's as close as i can write to my own experiences within the prompt.

Donghyuck isn’t really one for coffee shop meet ups. He doesn’t actually like coffee that much anyway (don’t tell Renjun that though). But Renjun had insisted on this one coffee shop, Bean Star to study for their final together. If this places’ coffee works magic and will make Renjun less stressed about their finals, then it’ll be worth it.

Technically, Donghyuck could have been out of school last year, but he decided that a masters in English is a better option than throwing himself into the big scary world. Renjun is studying to become a doctor, so he encouraged Donghyuck to go into the masters program so they can stay together for a bit longer. It’s honestly a pretty solid plan, except for the fact that becoming a doctor is much more stressful than gaining a masters degree in English.

Not to slight English majors or anything, but Renjun really takes being a doctor too seriously. Every little fuck up on a test is like another dead patient down the line. English majors typically don’t kill people (or save lives).

Donghyuck pushes open the doors of Bean Star and immediately wrinkles his nose at the overpowering smell of coffee. At first glance, there’s nothing special about the place at all. Same small round tables, uncomfortable chairs, huge counter. Except when Donghyuck makes eye contact with the guy behind the counter. Donghyuck can’t make out his name tag, but he’s head over heels at first sight. If Donghyuck had a type, this would be it. The guy is strong looking, but not overly buff; strong jawline, but soft eyes; all and all the most beautiful person Donghyuck has set eyes on ever (don’t tell Renjun that  _ either _ ).

Approaching the counter, Donghyuck tries to pick something on the almost endless menu to order, but he reaches the front without a clue of what he wants. But now he can make out the name tag of the guy— Jeno. What a cute name for a cute guy. 

“Hi, this might be weird but I have no idea what to order,” Donghyuck says and Jeno tilts his head slightly to the side, pen and cup in hand without anything to write on them.

“Would you like some advice then?” Jeno asks, and Donghyuck is about to keel over— why is his voice so pretty? Donghyuck swears up and down he’s normally not this gay in public, but this Jeno is really challenging that goal for him.

“Yes, please. I’m supposed to meet a friend here who adores this place, but I’m not a huge coffee fan, so uhh, barista’s recommendation? As long as it’s not super bitter or super sweet it should be fine,” Donghyuck rambles, tapping his fingers on his thighs as he speaks.

“Okay,” Jeno replies with a little smile, but Donghyuck notices how it doesn’t quite meet his eyes. “I can whip something up for you, but what’s your name?”

“Donghyuck.”

“Cool name.” Jeno scribbles something on the cup and sets it down. He types in the order on the pad in front of him and spins it around to show Donghyuck his total. Six dollars for a cup of coffee, this is a very bad habit to start. It also explains why Renjun makes Donghyuck pay for him whenever they go out. “Your order will be right out.” Jeno goes back to make Donghyuck’s drink and Donghyuck pays, going over to a table to wait for Renjun.

It’s honestly surprising Renjun isn’t here yet. Donghyuck checks his phone and sees a message from Renjun saying he can’t make it because his physiology teacher sprung an extra quiz on them right at the end of the period. That’s fucked up, but it also puts Donghyuck in a weird position. Does he stay and pretend wait for Renjun and then get stood up (is it really getting stood up if Donghyuck knew?) or leave right after Donghyuck told Jeno about meeting up with his friend? The second one makes more sense, but it would be at least a little bit embarrassing for Donghyuck because he thinks Jeno is cute and doesn’t want to look like an idiot in front of him.

Fuck, but it would really be ridiculous to sit around and wait for someone that never shows up, wouldn’t it? Donghyuck pulls out his phone to tweet a poll about whether or not he leaves early or not, but he doesn’t get to as there’s a hand at his shoulder.

“Here’s your drink, Donghyuck,” Jeno says, setting it in front of him. “I hope you like it.” Jeno smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Oh, thank you,” Donghyuck replies. He puts his phone away and takes a sip of his drink. “My friend isn’t showing up.” Donghyuck isn’t really sure why he says this [probably because it’s the only way to forward this scene but okay], but he blurted it out anyway as some sort of justification he has to give Jeno as to why he’s alone.

“Oh, why not?” Jeno asks.

“His teacher made him stay late to take a test and I didn’t want to look like an idiot lying to you or sitting here alone,” Donghyuck explains. “And even by saying this, I’m embarrassing myself quite a bit, but I just wanted to straighten that out. Even though I’m probably totally over thinking this whole thing.” Jeno takes a seat across from Donghyuck.

“I was about to take my break anyway, so I can chat with you if you want,” Jeno offers. “Though I do need to formally note I’m on my break and I’d like to make myself a drink, but I won’t be more than five minutes I promise and I’m sure you can handle that much time alone.” Jeno pulls at his sleeves and looks a bit awkward, but he seems to be trying his best and that’s enough for Donghyuck.

“Yeah, go ahead. I’m just glad to have any company at all. Especially company as handsome as you,” Donghyuck replies and he doesn’t miss the way Jeno’s eyes widen at the compliment. He’s already embarrassing himself enough, might as well make his intentions clear from the get-go. Jeno mumbles something Donghyuck can’t catch and then dips behind the counter again. He’s definitely a bit shy, but he’s intriguing to Donghyuck and he can’t wait to learn everything there is to learn about him.

* * *

Donghyuck starts to make it a regular thing to come to the cafe where Jeno works and they chat over coffee during Jeno’s breaks. Jeno always makes them the same drinks, Donghyuck keeps flirting with Jeno, Jeno keeps wearing long sleeves even on hot days, Donghyuck doesn’t push too deep into Jeno’s personal life. Even when Jeno talks, they are still talking about Donghyuck mostly.

Jeno is the same age as Donghyuck, but born in April, he goes to community college because he dropped out of a formal four year school and he really likes coffee. Why Jeno dropped out, Donghyuck doesn’t know and doesn’t ask.

“Jeno,” Donghyuck says towards the end of Jeno’s break. He has probably five minutes and he wants to make sure their time doesn’t get cut short. “Can I ask you something kind of personal?” Jeno hesitates before answering.

“You can, but I don’t want to promise you I’ll answer it,” Jeno relents and Donghyuck supposes that’s as good as he’s going to get.

“You’re gay right? Or queer in some form, right?” Donghyuck asks.

“Yeah, I’m bi,” Jeno admits. “I’m not out at work though, so don’t go screaming it, but you’re gay, so I don’t think you’d do that.”

“You’re right, I would never out someone. But the main thing I wanted to ask is would you like to go out with me?” Donghyuck braces for the worst and Jeno’s face falls.

“I was hoping you wouldn’t say that,” Jeno mumbles, looking sad.

“Why? It’s okay if you don’t like me back or something,” Donghyuck says.

“I’m not saying that. I just don’t think you should date me.” Donghyuck’s brows furrow and he frowns.

“But why? I really like being around you,” Donghyuck protests. Jeno only looks sadder.

“Hyuck,” Jeno says, swallowing. “There’s something else you need to know about me before you can really decide if you want to date me.”

“What is it?” Donghyuck asks, voice soft watching Jeno’s body language. Gone is the confident, happy boy from the coffee shop. “You can tell me, Jeno.”

“I have depression,” Jeno admits and his shoulders sag. “And it’s not just mild either. It’s probably the worst feeling imaginable and I would never wish it on anyone. I cannot bear to be alive when I’m not on my meds.” Jeno pauses and spares a glance at Donghyuck, tears shining in his eyes. “I start to get the feeling that something is really wrong. Like all the drugs put together – the lithium, the Prozac, the Desipramine, and Desyrel that I take to sleep at night – can no longer combat whatever it is that was wrong with me in the first place.”

Donghyuck sits there speechless for a moment. How do you reply to something like this? How does Donghyuck coordinate his words in a way for Jeno to get the message across. Donghyuck likes Jeno and he wants to go on a date with him. He doesn’t really care about all the extra baggage. He wants to try.

“I don’t really have the proper words here if I’m being honest,” Donghyuck admits. “Doesn’t make me dislike you or anything, for the record.”

“I just don’t think it would be a good idea for you to start dating someone like me.” Jeno sighs, looking dejected.

“Can we still be friends though?” Donghyuck asks and Jeno’s ears perk up a little bit.

“I don’t see why not,” Jeno mumbles and a little surge of happiness runs through Donghyuck.

“I’m very happy to be your friend then.”

* * *

Jeno’s been getting weird. Donghyuck couldn’t quite place his finger on when it started, but definitely after Jeno shot him down. They have been good friends for months now, but something is up with Jeno.

He still won’t give that much up about himself, but Donghyuck gets it. Jeno is ashamed of his past and while Donghyuck gets it, he can’t help but wonder why it’s to this extent.

Donghyuck wakes up in Jeno’s apartment like normal. Every few days or so they have sleepovers at one or the other’s apartments and it’s comforting. One of them sleeps on the bed while the other gets a air mattress on the floor. 

Honestly, Donghyuck wouldn’t mind sleeping in Jeno’s bed with him, but Jeno doesn’t want to push things that way and Donghyuck respects that.

Sitting up, Donghyuck looks over at Jeno’s bed and he’s not there which is odd. Normally, Jeno sleeps longer than Donghyuck. Something feels off, so Donghyuck stands up and tip toes to the door. He doesn’t hear anything for a moment, but then he hears a hiss from Jeno’s bathroom. The sound is strange, almost like someone muffling their pain.

This can’t be good. Donghyuck walks to the bathroom, and the door is open just a crack for Donghyuck to see something he hadn’t even though of.

Jeno has his arm over the sink and a razor blade in his hand. He’s a rightie, so Donghyuck can see the actual injuries. They’re awful to look at, and Donghyuck barely stomach it, so he flings open the door, which startles Jeno into dropping the blade where it clangs on the sink before falling in.

“Jeno, what are you doing?” Donghyuck asks, eyes transfixed on his arm, which Jeno turns away, but doesn’t touch.

“Leave me alone,” Jeno mutters, wincing through the pain. “I will deal with it myself.”

“No, let me help you,” Donghyuck asks. “I don’t think you should be left alone like this.” 

“What do you know?” Jeno scoffs. “I was almost done anyway.”

“Let me help you bandage your arm at least,” Donghyuck counters. “It’s that or I’m going to call someone.” Jeno’s eyes flare and he rests his arm on the edge of the sink, cuts facing up.

“Fine.” Jeno’s clearly angry at Donghyuck, but he doesn’t care. Jeno can’t keep doing this to himself. “I have to rinse my arm first.” Donghyuck nods but leans forward and takes the razor carefully between two fingers and carries it out into the kitchen and throws it directly into the trash. 

“How do you rinse your arm?” Donghyuck asks when he’s back into the bathroom and Jeno doesn’t reply, just turns on the cold water and sticks his arm under it. He winces and Donghyuck wants to protest.

“Ignore that I’m wincing,” Jeno says. “The water kind of sucks, but it makes it better in the morning.” Donghyuck doesn’t know what Jeno means, so he doesn’t ask, just nods along. The blood washes away and Jeno turns the water off but leaves his arm there. More blood comes out of Jeno’s arm and Donghyuck feels a bit sick watching but can’t turn away. Jeno turns the water back on and washes the blood away again.

“Can you tell me what caused this?” Donghyuck doesn’t know how to ask about self-harm, he’s never really understood it, and seeing Jeno, along with all his cuts and scars, he isn’t sure where to even start to try and help Jeno some.

“Do you want the long or the short version?” Jeno counters. “Because I could explain what caused this one incident, but I have a feeling you’re wondering about all of it.” Jeno doesn’t make eye contact and just chuckles. “Both won’t be something you like to hear and you’ll probably leave me, but I knew this would happen.”

“Jeno—”

“Pick one.” Jeno’s hand starts to shake a little and he grunts, trying to hold still while still under the water. Donghyuck notices how some of the cuts aren’t straight, they curve and are different lengths.

“Long version.”

“My meds feel like they are doing nothing, but I’ve always felt really hopeless when it comes to being depressed. The feeling they give can only last so long because then I need another to deal with side effects of the others or the others are already at the max dosage and fuck—” Jeno winces and squeezes his eyes shut for a moment. “It seems pretty helpless like the dark cloud will always be back.” 

Jeno’s cuts have stopped bleeding, so he leans over and turns the water off but doesn’t move his arm at all. The edges are a bit pink, but it looks like they will all heal okay. Some of the scars on Jeno make Donghyuck’s stomach turn. He doesn’t understand how Jeno can do this to himself, but for now he will just be here for Jeno because that’s all he can do.

“You can go on,” Donghyuck says, voice nearly a whisper.

“And that’s what causes things like this to happen.” Jeno looks over at his arm and Donghyuck can see just how sad he is. “I need some form of control and I need it right in that moment, but once it’s over, I just feel shame. But that shame isn’t enough to stop the next time from happening.”

“I’m sorry.” Donghyuck doesn’t think ‘I’m sorry’ really even makes sense in this context but he doesn’t know what else to say. “I don’t know what to do.” 

“I generally just lay down with my arm facing up and let them close up that way. Band aids never cover them right and I find it difficult to gauze myself.” Jeno straightens up and removes his arm from the sink. Donghyuck watches how Jeno is careful not to let his arm touch anything as he walks out of the bathroom.

“What do we do now?” Donghyuck asks timidly.

“You can leave if you want. This is the thing I’ve been hiding from you before, so you can do whatever now really. I just don’t care.” Jeno slouches and Donghyuck follows him out to the couch. They sit together in silence for a moment.

“I won’t leave because I think you need someone right now, but if I start to overstep, let me know,” Donghyuck says.

“I think that’s a good plan.” 

* * *

“I really think you need to start taking your medicine again,” Donghyuck says. The two of them are sitting at Jeno’s dining room table, playing a game of Sorry! which is forgotten almost immediately.

“I don’t like it though,” Jeno counters, not looking happy.

“I know, but it’s still being prescribed to you, but I know you still have a nearly full bottle in your bathroom cabinet,” Donghyuck points out.

“You’re right, but I don’t like it,” Jeno says, standing up from the table. “I’ll go get them.” Jeno didn’t put up as much of a fight that Donghyuck was expecting. He really thought Jeno might flat out refuse and not even meet him halfway. 

Jeno returns with four bottles of pills which he sets on the table. He opens all the caps and removes one pill from each before closing them again.

“I don’t like taking these,” Jeno reminds Donghyuck before swallowing back his medicine. “I still feel the same and it’s been over three weeks.”

“I know,” Donghyuck replies, rubbing Jeno’s back. “But they take around a month to kick in properly, so you should take them for at least two months to see if they are really doing nothing for you. Because if you don’t have any form of support then you’re not going to improve.” Jeno looks like he’s on the verge of crying.

“Can I have a hug?” Jeno mumbles and Donghyuck stands up to wrap his arms around Jeno.

“It’ll all get better, Jeno,” Donghyuck whispers, rubbing a hand up and down Jeno’s back. “I promise you that things will get better at some point. I hope that one day you can see that same optimism.”

“I can try, but that’s really hard.” Jeno’s definitely crying now. All Donghyuck can do is pull him closer and try to help him through the rough patches. It isn’t Donghyuck’s life to live, it’s Jeno’s. So all he can do is try to sway him in the right direction.

* * *

“Jeno?” Donghyuck asks. He doesn’t want to confront Jeno about this, but he knows he has too.

“Yeah, Hyuck,” Jeno replies, looking up from his computer.

“Can we have a serious talk for a moment? Like as friends?” Donghyuck eyes Jeno carefully and catches him pulling at his left sleeve, which isn’t a good sign.

“Yeah, what’s up?” Jeno’s voice is tight, but Donghyuck doesn’t call him on it.

“I know you’ve been taking the wrong dose of medicine recently. I also know that I was the one to tell you to get back on them, but you know they take a while to start working properly.”

Jeno doesn’t say anything, instead staring at his sleeve. Donghyuck gives him a moment to collect his thoughts.

“I want to feel better.”

“I want you to feel better too. So much so. I’m really rooting for you, Jeno,” Donghyuck says. “But doubling your dose only puts you at risk of stroke and your meds wearing off faster.” That alarms Jeno who sits up straight and his eyes widen. “Yeah, it’s not good. I know you really want to feel good, so why don’t we pick something we can do together. I know it’s not the same and it isn’t really proper treatment, but it’s a start.”

“Like what?”

“Could be anything; baking, reading, taking care of plants, getting a cat, whatever you think you will enjoy.”

“I like plants,” Jeno replies shyly.

“Then we can go to Home Depot’s garden center and pick one out for your apartment and I will make sure to get you all set up with reminders to help keep the plant alive.” Jeno smiles. It’s really small. Small enough to only be a ghost of one, but it’s certainly something and that’s enough for Donghyuck.

“That sounds like a plan.”

“Now, can I bandage up your arm properly please?” Donghyuck asks and Jeno shuts down again, shoulders curling in on himself.

“How did you know?” Jeno asks, not looking at Donghyuck anymore.

“You kept pulling on your left sleeve and that’s the arm you always use.” Jeno doesn’t reply, but pulls up his sleeve to his elbow and thrusts his arm at Donghyuck, head turned the complete opposite way. “Let me get the first aid kit for you.”

Since the first incident, Donghyuck had taking to keeping plenty of gauze and bandages in both of their apartments and checking to make sure that Jeno doesn’t have anything to hurt himself with. It’s been happening less and less often, but it still does happen.

It hurts Donghyuck every time Jeno does this, but he knows that getting clean isn’t an easy process. After spending time researching, Donghyuck learned that most self-harmers can’t just quit cold turkey. Relapses happen, but soon they will be so far and few in between that it’s okay.

Once Jeno’s arm is bandaged, they lapse into silence. That also seems to keep happening when something like this happens. It’s hard to pretend everything is sunshine and rainbows for a bit.

“Do you want to go to Home Depot now?” Donghyuck asks.

“Yes, please,” Jeno replies, practically jumping up off the couch.

* * *

That trip to Home Depot is nowhere near the last and eventually Jeno’s apartment is completely covered in all sorts of plants. He names each and every one and Donghyuck is relentlessly endeared by him. Things aren’t perfect for them and Jeno definitely still has days where he doesn’t get up out of bed or wallows, but that’s okay.

Eventually Jeno musters up the courage to ask Donghyuck out. Donghyuck pretends to be surprised, but really he’s seen it coming for awhile, he’s just glad Jeno is comfortable enough to try a relationship with him. Donghyuck moves in at some point. Eighty percent of his stuff is already in Jeno’s apartment, so he’s only really cutting down on his expenses.

Jeno doubles the amount of therapy sessions he goes too, now attending twice a week and it’s caused him to pick up a bit. He smiles more often, wants to go out more, or just be around Donghyuck. It’s a really good change in him and Donghyuck couldn’t be happier.

The two of them are really happy together and each day they spend with each other is a day that they cherish and make special.

**Author's Note:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/occultclysms)   
>  [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.qa/carrotyeol)


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